Letter 4

My Dearest Christopher,

      I just wanted you to know that I am still here. Still missing you. We all are. Alexia will look across the street at WH and say, "Mama, where Bubba?" You have been gone from there for months. Since before she could really speak. And she still knows her Bubba is supposed to be over there skateboarding. She loved laughing and yelling at you when you were doing those jump things. I can never remember the name of them. :)

     Joshua is doing good in school. He is getting so much smarter. I think he's about to have to start teaching me. Haha He asks me all the time when you will be 18. I tell him, even though we have it marked on the calendar. I think it's just his way to start a conversation about you. He still talks about playing Magic with you. He misses you a lot.

   Alex misses seeing you. He said our family doesn't feel right without you in it. Funny, when I first told him about you 4 years ago, I don't think it really registered. Then when we met, it was still a little unreal. But now, you are just supposed to be here. We don't really go to WH any more to eat. Only on Sunday when I get paid. It just doesn't feel right to be there without you. And you are always the topic of conversation when we are there.

   Me.... I cry myself to sleep at night. I am praying that you are okay and happy. I cry at WH when Alexia asks for her Bubba. I wake up crying from the nightmare I have had since you were a baby. I can't sing "You Are My Sunshine" again. You, sweet Pooh Bear, are my sunshine, and that song just can't be sung without you in my life. I love you. With all my heart and soul, I love you. I just want you to be happy. And if I must be honest, I want you to come home.

                                                                    Love Always,
                                                                    Mama

Letter 3

My Dearest Christopher,

I dreamed about you last night. For some reason, Angie had put you back into public school. When you got off the bus the first day you ran away and came to my house. I opened the door and there you stood, crying... You told me, "Remember, I said I would always come back." Then you were crying. You apologized for having questions that were used to tear us apart. I assured you that you had done nothing wrong. You were right to have questions. Then you said, "Mama, I have to know... Why did you give me away?" My heart broke then just as surely as it did when you were 2. When I "gave you away." How can I answer that? How can I help you see that isn't what happened, when even I feel like that is exactly what happened? How do I ask you to forgive me, when I hate myself so much? How do I make this right?

I know I can't make it right. I know that all I can do is wait and hope that one day you give me the chance to answer your questions. And I can hope that we can both forgive me for what I've done. I love you Pooh Bear. You are always in my thoughts.

Love Always,
Mama