My dearest Christopher,
It has been over a year since I have written in this blog. Almost a year that you have been home. I read through the letters I had already written. And although they were painful, I'm glad I wrote them. I'm glad I told you how I was thinking and feeling at the time, so I didn't run the risk of forgetting something. Like the dreams. I had forgotten. But it all came back last night while I was reading. That's one of the reasons I was sad. It wasn't just the situation with me and Cody.
I just wanted to write at least one more letter to tell you how happy I am to have you home. It feels so right to have you here. You and Jeremy. I lost so much. So did the two of you. But we have the rest of or lives to build memories that we should have always had. I'm so proud of you. You have grown up a lot in the last year. And I am glad I got to have a hand in helping you grow.
I love you Pooh Bear.
Love Always,
Mama
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Letter 6
My Dearest Christopher,
I didn't leave my job. I couldn't. I bought a house. Which means you don't have my address any more. But I am only one street over, and your step sister rented the other house, so if you knock on the door, they will bring you to me. I am of course also still at WH. Where you know you will always find me. I couldn't leave, because that is the only thing I still have that was ours. :(
I talked to you a while back. You told me that you were happy where you are and that you didn't want anything else to do with me. I have had a lot of thoughts about that phone call. But the main one is that I don't believe that was "you" talking. I believe she made you do it. And I believe you are doing what you need to do to survive. And I don't blame you for that at all. You are my son, you have the strength to survive. I just hope you are okay. Surviving can take it's toll on a person. And you are so young to have to survive so much. I am sorry for that.
I am having dreams of you quite frequently. The same nightmare over and over, but there are "good" dreams in there, too. Not good in the fact that it is emotionally harmful to you in the dreams, but good in the fact that you are surviving. I know dreams are not fact, and I know that you are not deprived of your phone at night. I do believe that you don't have my number, but that is a given. I want to tell you one of those dreams.
You called me in the middle of the night, apologizing for waking me up so late. I told you that it was okay, that you could call me any time. You told me in the dream that it was the first night that she forgot to take your phone to bed with her, and they watch you all day. So it was the first chance you had gotten to call me. You made me promise to come and get you the day you turned 18. I promised.
It may just be a dream, and I understand that you may not want to see me. But nothing changes the fact that I will be there the day you turn 18. I have to tell you that I love you. And I have to tell you that I am always here. And that I will always be here. So even if you don't want me now. You may want me one day. And I don't want you to ever think that it has been too long, and I may have changed my mind. I promise, it will never be too long. My love for you will never fade. I love you Pooh Bear. I hope you know that.
Love Always,
Mama
I didn't leave my job. I couldn't. I bought a house. Which means you don't have my address any more. But I am only one street over, and your step sister rented the other house, so if you knock on the door, they will bring you to me. I am of course also still at WH. Where you know you will always find me. I couldn't leave, because that is the only thing I still have that was ours. :(
I talked to you a while back. You told me that you were happy where you are and that you didn't want anything else to do with me. I have had a lot of thoughts about that phone call. But the main one is that I don't believe that was "you" talking. I believe she made you do it. And I believe you are doing what you need to do to survive. And I don't blame you for that at all. You are my son, you have the strength to survive. I just hope you are okay. Surviving can take it's toll on a person. And you are so young to have to survive so much. I am sorry for that.
I am having dreams of you quite frequently. The same nightmare over and over, but there are "good" dreams in there, too. Not good in the fact that it is emotionally harmful to you in the dreams, but good in the fact that you are surviving. I know dreams are not fact, and I know that you are not deprived of your phone at night. I do believe that you don't have my number, but that is a given. I want to tell you one of those dreams.
You called me in the middle of the night, apologizing for waking me up so late. I told you that it was okay, that you could call me any time. You told me in the dream that it was the first night that she forgot to take your phone to bed with her, and they watch you all day. So it was the first chance you had gotten to call me. You made me promise to come and get you the day you turned 18. I promised.
It may just be a dream, and I understand that you may not want to see me. But nothing changes the fact that I will be there the day you turn 18. I have to tell you that I love you. And I have to tell you that I am always here. And that I will always be here. So even if you don't want me now. You may want me one day. And I don't want you to ever think that it has been too long, and I may have changed my mind. I promise, it will never be too long. My love for you will never fade. I love you Pooh Bear. I hope you know that.
Love Always,
Mama
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Letter 5
My Dear Christopher,
I may be making some major changes in my life real soon. I know I won't be working at the same store. But I will be keeping in touch with my friends there. So they can still give you my number. And the moment you call, I will be on my way. There is a lot of sadness for me in that store. Every time I'm there I remember our days there with you. I don't know how many times Thomas has sent me outside because I couldn't stop crying. That's not exactly a good thing when you're trying to cook. Lol
Always know that I love you. You will always be my son. The first man I truly loved. And you are a wonderful man. I'll be waiting, and loving you. And I'm pretty sure if you don't call me within a week of turning 18, I'll come to you. Maybe I can last a week. ;)
Love always,
Mama
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Letter 4
My Dearest Christopher,
I just wanted you to know that I am still here. Still missing you. We all are. Alexia will look across the street at WH and say, "Mama, where Bubba?" You have been gone from there for months. Since before she could really speak. And she still knows her Bubba is supposed to be over there skateboarding. She loved laughing and yelling at you when you were doing those jump things. I can never remember the name of them. :)
Joshua is doing good in school. He is getting so much smarter. I think he's about to have to start teaching me. Haha He asks me all the time when you will be 18. I tell him, even though we have it marked on the calendar. I think it's just his way to start a conversation about you. He still talks about playing Magic with you. He misses you a lot.
Alex misses seeing you. He said our family doesn't feel right without you in it. Funny, when I first told him about you 4 years ago, I don't think it really registered. Then when we met, it was still a little unreal. But now, you are just supposed to be here. We don't really go to WH any more to eat. Only on Sunday when I get paid. It just doesn't feel right to be there without you. And you are always the topic of conversation when we are there.
Me.... I cry myself to sleep at night. I am praying that you are okay and happy. I cry at WH when Alexia asks for her Bubba. I wake up crying from the nightmare I have had since you were a baby. I can't sing "You Are My Sunshine" again. You, sweet Pooh Bear, are my sunshine, and that song just can't be sung without you in my life. I love you. With all my heart and soul, I love you. I just want you to be happy. And if I must be honest, I want you to come home.
Love Always,
Mama
I just wanted you to know that I am still here. Still missing you. We all are. Alexia will look across the street at WH and say, "Mama, where Bubba?" You have been gone from there for months. Since before she could really speak. And she still knows her Bubba is supposed to be over there skateboarding. She loved laughing and yelling at you when you were doing those jump things. I can never remember the name of them. :)
Joshua is doing good in school. He is getting so much smarter. I think he's about to have to start teaching me. Haha He asks me all the time when you will be 18. I tell him, even though we have it marked on the calendar. I think it's just his way to start a conversation about you. He still talks about playing Magic with you. He misses you a lot.
Alex misses seeing you. He said our family doesn't feel right without you in it. Funny, when I first told him about you 4 years ago, I don't think it really registered. Then when we met, it was still a little unreal. But now, you are just supposed to be here. We don't really go to WH any more to eat. Only on Sunday when I get paid. It just doesn't feel right to be there without you. And you are always the topic of conversation when we are there.
Me.... I cry myself to sleep at night. I am praying that you are okay and happy. I cry at WH when Alexia asks for her Bubba. I wake up crying from the nightmare I have had since you were a baby. I can't sing "You Are My Sunshine" again. You, sweet Pooh Bear, are my sunshine, and that song just can't be sung without you in my life. I love you. With all my heart and soul, I love you. I just want you to be happy. And if I must be honest, I want you to come home.
Love Always,
Mama
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Letter 3
My Dearest Christopher,
I dreamed about you last night. For some reason, Angie had put you back into public school. When you got off the bus the first day you ran away and came to my house. I opened the door and there you stood, crying... You told me, "Remember, I said I would always come back." Then you were crying. You apologized for having questions that were used to tear us apart. I assured you that you had done nothing wrong. You were right to have questions. Then you said, "Mama, I have to know... Why did you give me away?" My heart broke then just as surely as it did when you were 2. When I "gave you away." How can I answer that? How can I help you see that isn't what happened, when even I feel like that is exactly what happened? How do I ask you to forgive me, when I hate myself so much? How do I make this right?
I know I can't make it right. I know that all I can do is wait and hope that one day you give me the chance to answer your questions. And I can hope that we can both forgive me for what I've done. I love you Pooh Bear. You are always in my thoughts.
Love Always,
Mama
I dreamed about you last night. For some reason, Angie had put you back into public school. When you got off the bus the first day you ran away and came to my house. I opened the door and there you stood, crying... You told me, "Remember, I said I would always come back." Then you were crying. You apologized for having questions that were used to tear us apart. I assured you that you had done nothing wrong. You were right to have questions. Then you said, "Mama, I have to know... Why did you give me away?" My heart broke then just as surely as it did when you were 2. When I "gave you away." How can I answer that? How can I help you see that isn't what happened, when even I feel like that is exactly what happened? How do I ask you to forgive me, when I hate myself so much? How do I make this right?
I know I can't make it right. I know that all I can do is wait and hope that one day you give me the chance to answer your questions. And I can hope that we can both forgive me for what I've done. I love you Pooh Bear. You are always in my thoughts.
Love Always,
Mama
Friday, December 14, 2012
Letter 2
My Dear Christopher,
I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you today. I went to Walmart to finish up my Christmas shopping. I didn't get that accomplished. I walked around aimlessly looking at stuff, and ended up buying 2 pairs of cute little slipper socks for Alexia. She loves them. I just wanted you to know that it doesn't feel like Christmas really. Not for me. I hope you are having a wonderful holiday season. I hope you enjoy your Christmas, and don't have the sad feelings that I have.
But I also want you to know how much you are missed on the holidays. I have no Christmas spirit this year. I have your gift, still in the box it came in, sitting in the middle of my kitchen table. Joshua has asked a couple of times if we will be able to see you for Christmas. It breaks his heart to hear no. He really misses you, too. It's hard on all of us, not being able to see you. But it's okay. We will see each other again some day. Hopefully real soon.
I am tired, and really need to go to bed. I have to be at work in the morning. But I just had to take the time to write to you and tell you that I LOVE YOU!!! So very much.
With all my heart,
Mama Vikki
I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you today. I went to Walmart to finish up my Christmas shopping. I didn't get that accomplished. I walked around aimlessly looking at stuff, and ended up buying 2 pairs of cute little slipper socks for Alexia. She loves them. I just wanted you to know that it doesn't feel like Christmas really. Not for me. I hope you are having a wonderful holiday season. I hope you enjoy your Christmas, and don't have the sad feelings that I have.
But I also want you to know how much you are missed on the holidays. I have no Christmas spirit this year. I have your gift, still in the box it came in, sitting in the middle of my kitchen table. Joshua has asked a couple of times if we will be able to see you for Christmas. It breaks his heart to hear no. He really misses you, too. It's hard on all of us, not being able to see you. But it's okay. We will see each other again some day. Hopefully real soon.
I am tired, and really need to go to bed. I have to be at work in the morning. But I just had to take the time to write to you and tell you that I LOVE YOU!!! So very much.
With all my heart,
Mama Vikki
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Letter 1
My Dearest Christopher,
I was supposed to be able to see you yesterday, but once again someone is keeping us apart. I thought about you all day. I think of you every day, but a lot more on the days we are expected to be able to see each other and can't. I wonder if you are doing okay. I wonder if you know that I would have given anything to be able to spend the afternoon with you. I miss you so much.
I watch Joshua and Alexia play and think how nice it would be if you were here. When I have Jeremy here and see how much Alexia and Joshua love him, I know they would love you just as much. I think of being able to just say "I love you," without someone listening.
I want you to know that I never gave up on you. And I never will. One day I will be able to tell you that. One day you will have answers to your questions. Hopefully one day you will have peace.
I love you Pooh Bear.
Always here,
Mama Vikki
I was supposed to be able to see you yesterday, but once again someone is keeping us apart. I thought about you all day. I think of you every day, but a lot more on the days we are expected to be able to see each other and can't. I wonder if you are doing okay. I wonder if you know that I would have given anything to be able to spend the afternoon with you. I miss you so much.
I watch Joshua and Alexia play and think how nice it would be if you were here. When I have Jeremy here and see how much Alexia and Joshua love him, I know they would love you just as much. I think of being able to just say "I love you," without someone listening.
I want you to know that I never gave up on you. And I never will. One day I will be able to tell you that. One day you will have answers to your questions. Hopefully one day you will have peace.
I love you Pooh Bear.
Always here,
Mama Vikki
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